Christian Marriage
Eph 5:21-32
Last week
we looked at some of the historical and practical foundations of marriage back
in the book of Genesis.
There are
a few important vocabulary words for us to remember. They are complement,
comparable, helper & submission. A complement when it is about persons is
one who completes another. Adam was the only incomplete thing in the creation.
He needed another. God made the woman to complete him in the ways he was
lacking. Eve was just what Adam needed. She was comparable to him. She fit the
need perfectly. From the beginning they enjoyed harmony. Eve was to be a helper
to her husband, not a slave of some sort. Yet, she was to do what she did under
his authority, but helping by giving her advice. It is the old principle of
there being wisdom in a multitude of counselors.
What we
looked at last week harmonizes wonderfully with what we find in Ephesians
5:21-32 about marriage. This chapter is the epitomizing chapter to understand
the rest of the scriptures that address the topic directly or
indirectly--including the Song of Solomon. The Song is an extended spiritual
analogy illustrating the joys and intimacy of marriage as they point us to the
joys and intimacy of God's people in fellowship with Him. After all, at the end
of the chapter, that is what Paul says--He is really talking about Christ and
his church.
The best
understanding of Christian Marriage is not in taking from pop-culture, or even
pop-psychology with its clichés. It is to wrestle with the meaning of scripture
and its application to our lives together as married couples or as those hoping
to be married at some future point.
Let's read
the text:
1. An
Important Reminder
21 submitting to one another in the fear of God.[a]
2. A Word to the Wives
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the
Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as
also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore,
just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the
wives be to their own husbands in everything.
3. A Word to the
Husbands
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also
loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that
He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that
He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle
or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.
4. The Word about the
Church
28 So
husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his
wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his
own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the
church. 30 For we are members of His body,[b] of
His flesh and of His bones.
4. A Word of Application
31 “For
this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife,
and the two shall become one flesh."
5. A Word of Explanation
32 This
is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
Let's look
at the text:
1. An
Important Reminder
21 submitting to one another in the fear of God.[a]
These words are
intimately connected to all the Apostle said about wisdom in the preceding
verses. It is foolish to act autonomously--that is on your own. A much wiser
way is to submit to the opinions or suggestions of others. You could easily be
blinded by your feelings. Because of a number of factors, you may lack
objectivity about people or issues. We need each other.
As we talk about stuff
with each other, there ought to be a carefulness about it. Paul writes, doing
it in the fear of God. Many things in our lives should give us an awesome
respect for God and His ways. If we don't follow his revealed will, our lives could
end up disastrous. I know of many people who did one thing or another for the
wrong reasons and they have suffered for it--this is especially so with
marriage choices, but is not limited to them. I also know of situations I never
thought would work out and they have. But, regardless, wisdom is needed. Wisdom
may require our submission to others--to do under an authority that we grant
them or that they already have as being a part of the body of Christ. Yes,
that's what I said--all of this is church-centered, not self-centered. When you
see a professed believer who always acts on their own, a whirlwind will shortly
follow.
One of the ways we
submit to each other is in the formal relationship of man and wife--in our
marriage. It is God's way. Yet, this submission is for the woman as a helper
completing her husband where he lacks as he seeks to give loving leadership
under the Lordship of Jesus Christ.
2. A Word to the Wives
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the
Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as
also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore,
just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the
wives be to their own husbands in everything.
This is straightforward
without a lot of wiggle room. A comparison is made for wives to submit to their
own husbands, not to all of the husbands, but their own. This is a sacred part
of how a mman and woman work together. Not everybody has to know if and how a
woman submits to her husband. It should be evident in the way she lives. A
non-submissive wife will show herself to be manipulative at times of
convenience when she is out of public view.
A lot of Christian
people from a wide range of denominations have taken to watching Duck Dynasty.
The viewers like the grace that is said over the meal at the end. A little bit
of Christian morality that comes in here and there. They are an extended
Redneck family in Northern Lousiana who have made a lot of money selling duck
callers and related equipment.
The workers don't submit
to the boss. The men are sarcastic and harsh with each other. There is a lot of
self-centeredness and moralistic messages. But, the one thing that amazes me is
how manipulative and tricky the women are intentionally. That is not Christian
behavior. It's not even loving their neighbors a lot of the time. It is a good
example of how to be conversvative and annoying at the same time. The liberals
don't have anything on us in that department.
The women get their men
to do whatever they want through manipulation including the promise of
rewards--that have sexual overtones. That shouldn't have a place in Christian
marriage. Now, it is true that a large percentage of women fall in love with a
man and then once married try to change him. That's a different problem we find
in the church.
The biblical comparison
is to submit to one's husband as to the Lord. Would you ever try to manipulate
the Lord to get something from Him? You shouldn't. A believer should be content
with the loving commands of Jesus. The believer should seek to know them, be
reminded of them and obey them each and every day. It is never right for a
believer not to submit to Jesus. That is gross sin if we know Jesus has said
something and we don't do it or we do the opposite.
That is the standard for
a wife's submission to her husband's loving authority in the home. He may use
his helper to come to a final decision on a difficult matter, but the buck
stops with him. Once a decision is made, loving submission is expected--just as
it is to Jesus. It is a matter of honor and respect for the one God has given
to you in marriage.
Paul heaps up words so
the Ephesians will understand. 23 For the husband is
head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of
the body.
Paul switches to the
word head to describe the relation of husband to wife. The head is the one in
charge with the responsibility to do things in the right way.
Nature itself shows us
that someone has to be the decision-maker. It is throughout the animal world
and among humans. God adds his revelation to restrict the leader to the male
gender. The husband is the head of the household, not only for the wife, but
for the children. He bears final responsibility before God--but, I'm getting
ahead of myself. The Job of the wife is to help when needed, to give wise
advice, and then once a decision is made to consent to it.
23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also
Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore,
just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the
wives be to their own husbands in everything.
In our egalitarian age,
people cry out, "It's not fair that one should be over the other." In
my experience, some of the most difficult issues come into marriages when the
man will not lead and the woman will not lovingly submit. Over years this
builds us to cause a great deal of accumulated baggage from years of sin and
sinful responses. It often gets to the point where people are unwilling to
forgive because one or the other "always" does so-and-so. It has
become their character. Wives don't see
it in themselves and the men can't see it and admit it. They go along not
talking or arguing for years until the children are grown. Then they find out
how much they have come to despise each other. I'm talking about people who
have been married 25 years or more. If you take the children out of the home,
they have little or no relationship left. And, on the woman's part--it is a
lack of submission most of the time. A lack of submission that has acted in
ways to usurp the authority of her husband and then she despises him for what
she has done.
SO, for the good of your
marriage and family, remember:
24 Therefore,
just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the
wives be to their own husbands in everything.
Aren't you glad it only
says, in the big things, or sometimes? No it doesn't--it says in everything.
I believe that
everything has to be carefully qualified. A husband cannot compel or coerce his
wife to sin or to violate her conscience in matters of salvation,
sanctification and especially Christian Liberty. The Lord is still Lord of the
conscience of each and every believer. We must always obey God rather than man,
if anyone tries to compel us to sin.
Paul moves on to the
men:
3. A Word to the
Husbands
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also
loved the church and gave Himself for her….
There is another
comparison. This it is given to the husbands. A husband is to love his wife in
the same way Christ loved the church--AND--gave Himself for her.
How did Jesus love the
church, giving Himself for Her? If you can understand this, you will understand
what it means to be the loving head of your wife and she will find it a joy to
submit to you. She will become convinced that you direct your home for her
good.
Turn back to Chapter One
of this book. How did Jesus love his church in just this book? We could go to
others in the Old and New. We could see how his love was prophesied. We could
inquire about the Spirit's insights into His work, his character and his
resolve. But, for the sake of this message and where we are in this book, let's
skim over the first 4 chapters:
1:4 We were chosen by
him personally and perfectly.
1:5 It pleased him to
chose us
1:6 He made us accepted
in Himself
1:7 He redeemed us by
giving himself for us
1:8 He did this with
wisdom and prudence
1:11 We have gained an
inheritance
1:12 He showed the Holy
Spirit to us
1:18 He enlightened us
2:1 He made you alive
2:3 He changed our
character for the good
2:4 He loved us with a
great love
2:6 He makes us to sit
in heavenly places
2:7 He will show the
exceeding riches of his grace
2:14 He is our peace
2:20-21 He joins us to
others to be his people.
And there are so many
more things he has done for us as he loved
the church and gave Himself for her.
If men are to love their
wives in the same self-sacrificing way, how do we apply these biblical
principles from just these two chapters to ourselves and our marriages?
1:4 We were chosen by
him personally and perfectly.
Marriage: The wives
remember those times when their man was pursuing their friendship. He got to
the point where he picked you personally, believing you are just what he
needed, or perhaps we can say, just what he wanted.
1:5 It pleased him to
chose us
Marriage: At some point
in the process, he wanted to be your spouse more than he wanted to be married
to any other woman. Back when you were in the thrills of falling in love, you
took great delight in the fact that he picked you. Sometimes married couples
need to be reminded of those days and feelings that were so strong and fresh
and godly, if in the pattern of the scriptures.
1:6 He made us accepted
in Himself
Marriage: He is the
means by which you enter dozens of additional human relationships in his
family, friends and if you move to a new area, his church family.
1:7 He redeemed us by
giving himself for us
Marriage: In your
marriage vows he promised himself to you and you alone. He gave up his
independence to possess you.
1:8 He did this with
wisdom and prudence
Marriage: Among men,
this is found in varying degrees. But, for Christians some of this ought to be
there.
1:11 We have gained an
inheritance
Marriage: Is this not a
biblical ideal codified in the vows made? He promises to share with you all
that he has now and if he should predecease you in death.
1:12 He showed the Holy
Spirit to us
Marriage: One of His
major responsibilities is your sanctification and growth in holiness. That's
what verses 26-27 are all about: 26 that He might
sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that
He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle
or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.
The Husband is one of
the major agents for his wife's progress in godliness.
This is also where the
church is foreshadowed. The husband does for his wife spiritually, what Christ
does for the church.
If you are not prepared
for the high calling of being a husband, don't make a woman think you are. Get
your own heart and mind in the right place to be her spiritual guide.
Do you see how to apply
these things to marriage? There are dozens more in this book and in the rest of
the Bible. As couples, it would be good to talk about these things and get back
on course.
The best principles are
not taken from the world, nor even the observations of couples who seem happy.
The best way to go is the straight and narrow God lays out before us in his
word.
To renew that first
love. Rekindle the feelings you once had for each other, but not in a vulgar
manner, not in a worldly way, but fall in love again in the biblical way.
4. The Word about the
Church
28 So
husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his
wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his
own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the
church. 30 For we are members of His body,[b] of
His flesh and of His bones.
There is some book or
conference speaker who said a few years ago, that the wife is never commanded
to love her husband--only to honor and respect. In my observations, this has
some truth in the way some Christian women operate.
There are many levels in
which we are called to love. The one we read about the most is love for our
neighbors. The parable of the Samaritan teaches that any and all we come in
contact with are our neighbor. So, insomuch as Husbands and wives are placed in
a special relationship being joined to each other--they are commanded to love
simply in the words, "Love your neighbor." Even if there is no one
verse that tells you to love you husband, as he is your neighbor, your nearest
and dearest neighbor, you must love him.
Let's go another step.
Even if your marriage goes sour and you start to contemplate divorce, you are
still called to love him. Even if he is at war with you….
Matthew 5:43ff "You have heard that it was said, ‘You
shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’
But I say to you, love your enemies, bless
those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who
spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father
in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends
rain on the just and on the unjust. ...
God, the Father gives
the sun and rain to his enemies. He sets the pattern for us to follow. At all
times we are called to love our spouses. The joining we enjoy is the most
intimate relationship we will have on the earth. It entails a change of
relationship from our first family.
4. A Word of Application
31 “For
this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife,
and the two shall become one flesh."
Living with your parents
is intended to be temporary. We have recently lost one to a man--a good man.
People asked how I was doing. It was all in perspective because the process
worked like it was supposed to. On her wedding day, she was joined to a man who
left home for a better life. He left his father and mother. He was incomplete.
He needed a good woman. In KJV English it is Leaving and cleaving--leaving and
holding onto tightly.
Do you remember those
times when you longed to hold your significant other tightly to show affection?
If you grew up in the age of bucket seats and seatbelts, you didn't have the
experience of having your significant other sitting next to you in the middle
of the front seat so that from behind the two looked like one. Those were the
days of romance.
A story is told about a
couple who were driving somewhere talking about the early days of their
relationship when they were in such love. He asked his bride of many years if
she remembered driving around just to hold hands. She smiled saying,
"Yes." He asked if she remembered when she used to sit in the middle
of the car next to him? She giggled a little and replied, "Yes, of
course." She asked him, "Why don't we do that any more?" He
replied, "I'm not the one who moved."
The point is that often
little things get in the way of marriages being what God intended them to be.
People are reluctant to change in conformity with God's will. People are too
lazy to repent and make things right. Others are rebellious seeking after
worldly wisdom.
The standard for
relational love and leadership in a Christian marriage is Jesus and his church.
The standard for joyful submission to a husband is how the church does what
they are supposed to do under Christ's authority.
5. A Word of Explanation
32 This
is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
You can go
to any other passages that deal with marriage and find this is the standard
built upon the foundation found in Gen 2-4. May God grant wisdom to all of us
in our various positions in life to love one another fervently, but our spouses
with a special God-honoring fervency. Pray he would rekindle the flickering
flame back into a roaring fire.
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