Some Observations on Marriage: Eph 5, Jesus and the Church

Some Observations on Marriage

As I have been preparing for the weddings later this summer, I’ve gone back to some of my favorite works on the subject. One of them is an old puritan work from 1622 entitled “Of Domestic Duties.” Its author is the arch-puritan William Gouge. The work is deep in its doctrine and full of all sorts of uses or application.

The work is made up of eight sermons opening up Eph 5:24-32. It is thorough throughout its 476 or so pages. What I hope to do this morning is simply to make some observations from the text and then buttrice the observations with some commentary. 

First let’s read the text.

The Apostle Paul is making applications to the church in the last chapters of this epistle. In the verses under consideration he addresses those who are married. He goes on to address the children and then the servants.

Ephesians 5:24-32

²⁴ Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, ²⁶ that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷ that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. ²⁸ So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. ³⁰ For we are members of His body,^[a] of His flesh and of His bones. ³¹ “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”^{[b] 32} This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. ³³ Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Obs 1. The Church in the West has been feminized by modern ideas of womanhood

²⁴ Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

How is the church subject to the Lord Jesus Christ? Once you have that question answered, only then are you ready to answer the one about how wives are to be subject to their own husbands.

It is not modern ideas of equality in marriage that define what these relationships should look like for Christians. It is the Word of God that instructs us how to live—even in this important area. Many Evangelicals have given into the feminist agenda. There isn’t a lot of talk about subjection any more. It has become unpopular. Some of the problem is that it understood by those who are too conservative on the one side and too liberal on the other.

Subjection or submission is to do something under the authority of another. It is that simple. Submission is doing what we do under the authority of another. We all have relationships wherein we submit to those who are over us. The two places where people chafe at this the most are the two relationships before us in this verse—in the home and in the church. People may not like being under someone’s authority in the work place, or under civil government. Their fear of man and the possible retaliation against their rebellion usually keeps them in check.

How does the Church submit herself to her Lord?

Let’s turn to another place where we use a word ending with mission—the Great Commission of Matt 28. These are Jesus final marching orders to his disciples as they become the Apostles—sent out ones. Though, in verse 16 we are told that some doubted.

Matt 28:18 And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. ¹⁹ Go therefore^[a] and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰ teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

The two main parts of this commission are in the going, to (1) to make disciples and (2) to baptize. One is ongoing the other a one-time event of identifying with the Lord Jesus Christ.

Jesus also gives the content of what is to be taught to those who would be his followers: 20 teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you….

What does Jesus expect his church is going to do when they are taught those things that Jesus commanded? He expects to be heard and he expects those who believe and hear to do what he has commanded—in a word, he expects obedience. Or, to use another word, he expects submission. He expects his people will do what they do under his authority over them. He is our superior to use the language of the Puritans and we are his inferiors.

Consider His commands. When Jesus commands, he does so perfectly. When human husbands command, they are tainted by sin causing their acts to be imperfect. Jesus gives what we’ll call a comfortable yoke. But, a yoke nonetheless.

Matt 11:28-29 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

The image comes from farming. Animals of the same kind would be yoked together so they could be directed as they plowed the field. The yoke of Jesus directs us so that we can find rest for our sin weary souls. It is a yoke. We are not free in an absolute sense to do whatever we want. Jesus has given commands and they are perfectly suited for us. They are not too much. The commands define how he wants to be loved by his people.

John 14:15 “If you love Me, keep My commandments.

And,

John 15: If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.

How does the Church submit herself to her Lord?

By listening to him, by obeying him even when we think our way is better and by loving him.

How ought a wife submit to her husband?

Let me apply this to the men first. What kind of yoke have you put on your wife? Have you ever examined your relationship in this light? As husbands, I address all of us, especially those who are the head of a large household have to love our wives as Christ loved the church. See verse 25:

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her…. As husbands, we should be like Christ to our wives. We must not burden them down with non-essentials according to our own whims. We are responsible to give them a comfortable work load. Jesus speaks tenderly to his bride out of love giving us a few commands to direct us as he rules over us by his word, especially as it is proclaimed. Husbands should use the same model. What can your wife handle? Some are more robust than others who are more tender. Study your wife and ease her burden. Don’t merely use her to ease your own.

So, the house isn’t spotless. So, the children aren’t spic and span, and so on and so forth. Does that matter in an ultimate sense. Other things are more important. A home can look good in appearances and be a mess in reality. I've seen this many times.

Tyranny has no place in a Christian marriage. The Bible does not set forth a strong patriarchy to be practiced in homes. Each spouse has a role and a place that complements the other. More on that later.

Back to the question: How ought a wife submit to her husband?

As the church does to Christ. That’s the simple answer.

Eph 5:24b reads so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be consulted on important family matters. It doesn’t mean they should not offer their ideas and even opinions. In God’s way of setting up society, it is that the men have the ultimate responsibility for what happens in the home. Fathers can even ask their children for advice. As we say, The buck stops there.

In all things there should be submission—to do what is done under the authority of the husband. It does not mean under his nit-picking gaze as if the wife can do nothing right. It is a loving consideration to make the burden easy.

This is the thing that causes feminists great angst. They do not like the fact that God has given men to be over them. It is just the way it was meant to be. Do you know why? Paul wrote to Timothy about this:

1 Tim 2:11 Let a woman learn in silence with all submission. ¹² And I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man, but to be in silence. ¹³ For Adam was formed first, then Eve. ¹⁴ And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression.

Submission and authority coupled together again. This does not mean the discipling of Christian women is any less important than that of the men. The silence of the woman is a silence that does not teach or seek to exercise authority over men. The reason goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden and the deception of our first mother, the gift of God to Adam.

Feminists appeal to pity and possible injustice at this point: Do you mean women in our day are still being held responsible for something Eve did all those years ago?

The answer is yes. The same principle of headship that puts the sin of Adam on the account of all people is the same principle that makes Eve a representative of all women in particular. Patriachists mistakenly use this verse as one of them to treat women poorly and justify their dominion over them. In my experience, it is that these men do not have the ability to use their wives to complete what they lack.

Men have egos that are greater than those of women, usually. Some too many of them have a hard time seeing themselves as lacking in any area. The exercise their machismo married to testosterone in order to put their women in their place. Men like that don’t understand how Christ loved the church and gave himself for her and they don’t apply that great truth in their own marriage.

The problem since nearly the beginning of time is that men will not lovingly rule their homes using all the tools at their disposal, including their wives and family. And, women do not willingly submit to their own husbands.

The primary effect of an unsubmissive heart in the wife will be a lack of respect for both parents by the children. Where there is proper love and mutual respect with submission defined biblically, there are great lessons learned by all—without even saying the words. Our children learn how to live in a home full of love.

Consider the woman found in Proverbs 31. She is a godly woman. She is not all of those things all the time. But, they are all sorts of things she is and does throughout her life—even having a business working outside of the home. What is assumed is—as time and her husband allows.

Ladies, live under your husband's leadership in such a way that you recover biblical femininity without embracing Feminism. The one is beautiful, the other irrational when compared to what God has said.   

Obs 2, 3, & 4. The standard of love is not human, but divine. What is given, may be attained. It is a high calling to be a husband.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her….

There is a very real sense in which all husbands should silently bow their hearts and pray for forgiveness for not loving his wife as Christ loved the church. However, I believe it is possible, even with remaining sin, to submit ourselves to the Lord by obeying even this command.

When I do pre-marital counseling I have a series of homework assignments that they do—some separately, some together. One of them is to send the man off to find 30-50 ways in which Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. Corresponding to that, the woman has to find 20-30 ways in which the church is to submit to her Lord. Once the lists are finished, we sit and talk about them in order to apply those truths to a marriage. It provokes some amazing conversations. This passage instructs us about marriage, but later Paul writes, 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

The best way to strengthen a Christian marriage, or any marriage, is to consider what the Savior did for his Church, his Bride, of you will, and how the Church is to submit to his lordship.

It is so basic that it is beautiful. It is a high calling. Too high for many who will not obey the savior in these things.

I get frustrated when people want to change the way the Christian life should be lived. The scriptures say “A,” yeah, I know, but I feel “B” would be better for us. Marriage is one of those areas where men have a hard time accepting what the scriptures, or God has said.

Many a couple have foundered on the rocks of unhappy marriage or even the contemplation of divorce because the husband will not love his wife selflessly, mercifully, fully, lovingly, gently & the list goes on and on.

People want their marriages fixed without doing the difficult work. They want the other spouse to repent and change. Pride has kept many from seeing their own sin. And that homework assignment applied to married couples makes many fall over their own feet. They do not like the biblical standards for Christian marriage. They want therapy without sanctification. Men, if your marriage is weak and getting weaker. If it is only bound together by common interests in children and pride. Get your Bible out and start writing down ways in which Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. Then go back and apply them to yourself and your marriage.

Being as Christ to your wife will look like this:

²⁶ that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word,

As Jesus disciples his Church, to make her more and more holy, through the hearing of the Word of God, you are to be that to your wife. Not using the Bible as a sword that cuts deep into your wife’s conscience, but to sanctify her—to set her apart as special, and to work in her for her own growth in grace.

The ultimate goal in all of this may not be attained fully in this life, but your ministry to her should make her long for heaven. Not as a relief from you, but because you have prepared her well.

²⁷ that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

High calling? As Jesus is sanctifying his church to present her in this way to the Father in the age to come, so too, husbands are to labor for the good of his wife to make her glorious.

In this life, he must not point out her flaws to others, but cover the multitude of them with love. His isn’t just mere outward conformity to some principles for our good. It is to see the glory of God in another and to take the role before God that He would be known as the source of that glory in the face of Jesus Christ.

Men, most of the burden for a wholesome, loving marriage falls on us not on our wives. But, we are not in this alone. We have our spouse as a gift from God to complete us where we are lacking, the scriptures to guide us, the savior to help us and the Spirit to sanctify us. We also have his bride to hold us accountable. Not as individuals, that is one of those things not found in the scriptures that people think is so biblical, but as the Church as a whole as the body to serve us.

Paul draws a conclusion:

²⁸ So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.

People naturally love themselves. Love your wife for your own enlightened self-interest. You will be doing good for her and yourself. It is a rare exception when someone acts in a harmful way towards him or herself. Ordinarily, we take care of a delight in who we think we are. Our spouses are one flesh with us and delightfully so. Again, the example in all of this is what the Lord does for the church.

We are united to Christ. We have his Spirit as a deposit of even better things to come. God himself has come to be in the most intimate relationship we will ever have with another being. He is in us and with us in a deep and full sense. The marriage relationship is intended to reflect this intimate reality. The fullness of human intimacy should never cheapen what it is intended to be. For if and when we sin, we make very God a partaker in our transgressions.

The Word of God addresses this wonderful intimacy with God in these words:

³⁰ For we are members of His body,^[a] of His flesh and of His bones.

I don’t fully fathom our union with Christ. But I believe it. In some sense we are in union with the Son of God organically in these bodies. We are joined with him. Souses are joined to one another. Because of this we have the ancient law of marriage put before our minds….

³¹ “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”^[b]

Obs 5. Marriage properly defined is between one man and one woman.

It is not bigamy, one man two wives. It is not intended to be polygamy, one man with many wives. It is not intended to be polyamory, one woman, many husbands. That sounds odd, but it is still practiced today. The conference in Greensboro. Khoury Convention Center. Also, when the number of men decreased in the Viking Age.

And, certainly, God never intended it to be between or among people of the same sexes.

Look at the verse again. Citing words from Genesis 1, the ancient law of marriage is applied: For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”^[b]

It is clear: a man and… his wife are to be joined together. The two and only two shall become one flesh. Two different sexes joined together to be one.

The only marriages that honor God and his directives for the creatures that are his image are between a man and a woman. It has always been that way. God accommodated his ancient people who took the ways of the nations around them which included shameful and sinful ways of having human relationship.

A marriage is not one rightly because human magistrates declare them to be. A marriage is proper only when it is sanctioned by the Word of God. By restating these words from Gen one Paul re-established the truth about marriage in a Pagan, unclean society that practiced much perversion especially as a part of their religious practices. It defiles the mind to read of the sins of the ancient world. The answer to these sins then and now is the same. Repentance and faith.

To repent is to turn from sin and to the Lord Jesus Christ as the Lord and Savior. 

Our society needs to repent from where it has gone and continues to go. The only way it can is for individual sinners to be made right with God, submit to his Word and then walk in his ways.

One way is to not fear man, but God and insist on his ways—even though unpopular.

I was asked by a man what I thought of all this same sex stuff. I told him the truth—That God defines marriage to the relationship between one man and one woman. When I finished explaining it, he added, patting his hand on mine, I agree! Not everyone has bought into the sins of our day. There is more at stake than traditional family values. It strikes to the very core of the Christian Gospel.

Any sinner who repents and believes can know the forgiveness of God and know God himself through Jesus Christ. Only then will they be able to understand what it takes to have not only a happy marriage, but a holy one as well.

Seize opportunities to talk about these verses and point them further to this Christ who loved his people and gave himself for them. It’s not about marriage, it’s about an eternal love brought down from heaven to save a people.

³² This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

A Final Word

 ³³ Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Love and respect. Let Jesus Christ be praised. Only he can work in the likes of us to bring this to pass. AMEN